I want to quit.
I want to die.
While I also sit here and want to know why…
why I only want those things in my life.

But in fact those sentences don’t even make sense at all.
If you really think about it.

Because wanting something is the same as lacking it.

And I don’t lack this act of quitting—
Nor am I empty with this thing or feeling called death;
Rather it is all that I’m filled with it.

Death fills the void.
The void of existence.
Or more specifically,
My void of being what I am.

So I guess what I initially meant to say is that…

I want to try.
I want to live.
And I want to explore this untouched upon space of “why the hell not.”

Considering that what it really means—“I want to live”—
is that I lack living:
I am empty of this life.

And further,
since I know I lack this living,
At least I can acknowledge that I know nothing of what it really means to live,
or to be alive in this world—
to exist as a human being.

To live and exist in this world is superfluous,
while death is the only ‘thing’ that my being requires to truly exist as what it is.
Or, as what I am.

That is, in order to be what I really am—
Nothing.

If I want to be alive then it must be the case that I want to do things…
Things I wouldn’t otherwise be capable of doing as this ‘nothing.’

It is this nothingness that is essential,
and at the core to ‘my being anything’ at all.

When I say I want to try, I want to live, and I want to act freely,

All I’m really saying is that I know I’m merely nothing.

But I wish—
I want—
I lack—
To be something.

So why the hell not live this life taking risks?
Why the hell not live autonomously and freely regardless of how other nothings, or beings,
perceive you?

Be reckless. A deviant.
Defy others’ set standards for you.
Because nothing matters when you’re nothing.

At least if you know that all you are is really nothing,
and live this life of yours dangerously,
you will not live in this world captivated by another being.
And you won’t live under another being’s will or plan for you.

Watch out when that happens.
Then you falsely believe that you are something you are not.